NFL teams are on the clock looking to improve their rosters through the draft. But what if the big board was only comprised of historical biblical characters? I put my scouts to work and created a big board of the 32 best prospects available.
1. Moses, QB/WR, Hebrew University at Egypt
The dual-threat quarterback who can play just about any position asked of him. Moses can do it all. He can receive just about anything thrown his way and if you give him enough instructions, he can pass anything along. A reluctant and quiet leader, Moses led his college team from the cellar to the promised land in just a few months. Interesting fact about Moses: his brother, Aaron, runs all of his social media accounts.
2. Samson, LB, Zora University
The top rated linebacker in this year’s draft. Samson has a history of off the field issues but there is no doubting his physical ability. 300 lb offensive lineman do not stand a chance against a man who has dominated thousands of blockers at once. He is an athletic freak whose astronomical numbers at the combine had him skyrocket up teams’ big boards. The biggest weakness, aside from his hair being cut, will be the distraction of cheerleaders from the opposing teams. If he can keep his focus on the field, he will help solidify the back end of the any NFL defense for about 20 years.
3. Jacob, RB, University of Paddan-aram
The best running back on the board. Period. A master at the art of misdirection, Jacob routinely fooled defenders into thinking he was going one way before changing courses at the last minute. If he can get to the edge, there is no catching this guy. He looks most comfortable when he is running for his life, but he also has a lot of mileage on his legs. As long as he can fully heal from a hip injury he sustained last year in a wrestling match off campus, he should be the three down back NFL teams are looking for.
4. Paul, RB, Damascus Road College
A small but pesky runner out of DRC. Despite his small stature, Paul is not afraid to run right into the middle of trouble. His history of concussions aside, Paul is perhaps the most determined, aggressive, and passionate player in this year’s draft. Teams can be sure that he will beat his body to help this team succeed. Many analysts have pegged Paul as the one person in this draft that can motivate the people are him to turn any franchise around.
5. Pharaoh, CB, Egypt University
A big and intimidating cornerback from EU, scouts absolutely love his stubbornness on the field. He has a knack for bouncing right back after he gets burned by acting like it never even happened. Short term memory is a great trait for any CB and Pharoah has plenty of it. Although he is a violent hitter, he may forever be plagued by his inability to intercept the Israelites during his last collegiate game. This battle-tested veteran can step in right away and contribute to any roster.
6. Benaiah, DE, Kabzeel College
The safest player in the draft. Benaiah first caught scouts’ attention as a freshman playing against the Moabite Lions. He was in the Lion’s backfield all day. Double teams had no effect on his ability to get after the quarterback. The mighty prospect out of Kabzeel will thrive at the next level where he will be constantly pitted against less talented lineman. A northern team with an outdoor stadium may be the best landing spot for Benaiah as he has proven to be unstoppable on snowy surfaces.
7. Mordecai, DE, University of Persia
Perhaps the sneakiest defensive player in the draft. Mordecai often gets ignored because of his simple style of play. However, when you least expect it, he will get after your quarterback. You do not hear this often for a defensive player, but Mordecai has been labeled as “clutch” because of his tendency to come on strong late in games. If you are an NFL franchise looking for a player that makes a habit of spoiling the plans of opposing offenses, Mordecai is your guy.
8. Deborah, FB, Ephraim Prep School
A small fullback out of Ephraim, Deborah may be a woman, but you would be making a huge mistake if you take her lightly. The dangerous fullback is pegged by many scouts as one who could revolutionize the position. With the game on the line and her team ahead, Deborah has shown a unique ability to drive into the heart of the defense and keep gaining ground. If there is something at stake, Deborah is the one you want leading the way.
9. Noah, S, Floodwaters Bible College
Noah is ready to anchor the defense for whatever team drafts him. While playing safety for FBC, Noah single handedly prevented disasters from any aerial attack his team faced. The scouting report on Noah is pretty straightforward: he does not have a great feel for the game, but if you give him a playbook, he will faithfully devour it and perfect any scheme the coaches ask of him. Teams would be wise to give Noah a flood of information early on. He can handle it.
10. Og, ST, Bashan School of Arts
A special teams giant out of Bashan. What makes this guy so special and worthy of a first-round investment? His size. Og stands at 10’8” tall. Rumor has it that his bed is 13’ long! Combined with his giant size, he has a vertical leap of 42”. In 2016 alone Og was able to block 14 field goal attempts and 22 extra point attempts. Look for opponents to put their kicking game on hold when Og’s team comes to town.
11. Cain, LB, Eastern Eden University
Cain was one of the most productive linebackers in college football last year. His hard-hitting style shows someone who has a disregard for human life, however, there seems to be something lacking in his effort that scouts cannot seem to put a finger on. Coaches would be wise not to question how much sacrifice he is willing to give as his short temper has proven costly in the past. Also, don’t call him bro.
12. Elijah, WR, Tishbe University at Gilead
Though he has the stats to justify getting drafted early, Elijah’s shining moment came in the bowl game when he outran the entire Jezebel defense. The boy can flat out fly. The yellow flag on Elijah is that he has a tendency to taunt the opposing teams. With that being said, he has a habit of backing it up.
13. Mary, WR, Nazareth College of the Arts
Any team looking to utilize the Hail Mary pass more in their offense in 2019 should consider the young prospect from NCA. If you want to throw a 60-yard prayer, who better to have waiting in the end zone than Mary herself? It has been rumored that teams considering drafting Mary would hope to have a leg up in the competition for her Son. He has yet to declare, but scouts have given him the highest praise of any athlete in history.
14. Eglon, C, The Moab University
An absolute mauler ready to lead any offensive line. Eglon, a 460 lb center, has been described by scouts as “tyrannical” because of his tendency to run over anyone who stands in his way. He plays with a mean streak rivaled only by medieval kings. The only red flag on Eglon is his inability to successfully handle left-handed opponents. Look for opposing defenses to line up their best lefties to knife through the center’s soft spot.
15. Timothy, RB, Damascus Road College
Timothy rarely saw the field last year, often playing second fiddle to DRC’s workhorse back, Paul. When he did see snaps, he showed amazing potential and NFL teams are banking on the fact that Paul taught him a few tricks. Another knock on Timothy is that he declared early for the draft and perhaps could have helped his future stock by staying in the college game. Don’t count him out just because he is young, this is a guy who is driven and has fresh legs.
16. Boaz, RT, College of Bethlehem
Any NFL team looking to add stability to their offensive line will find it with Boaz. There is nothing particularly outstanding about him, yet he is good at just about everything he tries. Scouts describe him as responsible for his side of the offensive line and a man who takes protection (of his quarterback) seriously. This pick may not be flashy, but it will fill a huge need for any team looking to redeem their offensive line play in 2019.
17. Prodigal, S, Judah Prep High School
A youngster right out of high school, scouts everywhere questioned whether he should risk it all and try his luck in the league or play it safe and go to college. The cocky teenager will learn quickly that the NFL is a big boy league. Despite the steep learning curve, his talent is undeniable. Whoever drafts Prodigal will have to have some patience with him. The best case scenario is that he rides the pine for the first year, learns some humility, and makes a run at comeback player of the year in the near future.
18. Gideon, OT, College of Manasseh
Gideon has been shooting up the draft boards in the last few weeks for reasons that are still unclear. He is vastly undersized to play along the offensive line and his skill set leaves a lot to be desired. One thing he does have going for him: he listens to his coach and follows instructions well. He projects to be a great leader on any team that is undersized along the offensive line.
19. Peter, CB, Galilee College of Aquatics
A confident and arguably cocky prospect, Peter is not afraid to talk. He is a gambler at the cornerback position who thrives when he is targeted by curious quarterbacks. No stranger to failure and putting his foot in his mouth, Peter has a unique ability to press on after his (many) mistakes. The media will have a lot of fun with Peter and his unique…personality.
20. David, LB, Judah High School
A high school phenom out of Judah, David made a name for himself last year when he absolutely rocked Goliath on his way to helping his team win the state championship. Although he has been declared the next great linebacker, he is undersized and his emotional style of play has led to outbursts of weeping and bouts of depression. He will take time to develop.
21. Jabez, DE, Central Judah University
Jabez was one of the most disruptive rushers in the college game last year. Scouts will point out that he is a one trick pony—but it is a great one trick. His game is simple. He has one go to move and he has perfected it. NFL teams will know exactly what they are getting with this pick and so does anyone who tries to block him. By keeping it simple, Jabez will continue to thrive at the next level.
22. Jethro, QB, Midian College
Jethro is the smartest quarterback in the draft. A relatively unknown player during his time at MC, Jethro turned heads in the pre-draft process when he aced the Wonderlic test. He may not have the physical skills needed for the quarterback position but scouts are drooling over his feel for the game. He is able to read a defense quickly and figure out exactly what it will take to beat it. Teams will hope that Jethro wins out the starting spot but, if nothing else, will be excited to have him giving advice to leaders in their organization for years to come.
23. Goliath, OT, Philistine University
A skilled warrior in the trenches, Goliath is a massive human. At 9’6” and 545lbs, any defensive end will need to take the long way around. You are not bull-rushing this guy and he will let you know about it too. Said by many analysts to be overconfident, Goliath has no problem telling opponents how he feels. Although he has a history of getting knocked out by small rocks, a helmet should make him nearly unstoppable.
24. Saul, WR, College of Benjamin
What’s not to like about this guy? He is big, tall, fast, and handsome. One of the more driven prospects to come out of Benjamin, Saul routinely bullies opposing cornerbacks, especially ones who he feels threatened by. Scouts have been quick to point out that he can be a bit of a diva if he does not get his way. The team that drafts Saul would be wise to hand him the #1 receiver job heading into the season. If he is regulated to the #2 position, look out.
25. Zacchaeus, WR, University of Jericho
A short, speedy, shifty, and sometimes shady receiver out of UJ, Zacchaeus has great hands, often stealing passes out of the hands of waiting defenders. The biggest knock on Zacchaeus is that many scouts believe he rode the success of his team to stardom. There was no shortage of riches on offense at the University of Jericho and there is a chance Zacchaeus was merely a product of a successful program. He may have to adapt his game to have a chance at stardom in the NFL.
26. Job, DT, UZ College
Job is an undersized DT from Uz College. Once considered the greatest DT the college game has ever seen, his junior year was marred by injury after injury…after injury. On top of that, several teammates questioned whether his injuries resulted from his own poor decisions. Despite the enormous setback, Job stunningly put together a senior season that has scouts drooling. Is it possible that he is better now after his injuries? The team that drafts him will hope so.
27. Joseph, QB, Canaan College
Joseph has everything you could ask for out of this position. He was not only told by God in a dream that he would be successful, but he also had the swagger to tell his father and brothers about it. He has faced adversity at every level and has always earned his spot through years of hard work. Look for him to ride the bench his first year before proving himself in practice. Although a little undersized, Joseph makes up for it with his quick thinking and ability to escape difficult situations.
28. Nehemiah, DT, Babylon University
While in college, Nehemiah and the rest of his defensive line were known as “The Wall”. He has a unique ability to rally his teammates in moments of turmoil and actually thrives in road games where the opponents are taunting him. Opposing running backs beware, there will very little holes to run through wherever Nehemiah ends up.
29. Adam, MLB, Eden College of Zoology
Adam is the first ever player to come out of ECZ. The middle linebacker is excellent at two things: dusting off blockers and naming the opponent’s plays before they even know what is called. Adam has potential written all over him. One unnamed scout believes, however, that he is one poor decision away from changing the entire culture on his team. He recently married his high school sweetheart, Eve, who scouts hope will keep him out of trouble.
30. John the Baptist, C, Judea Southern University
John the Baptist is skilled, but will never be a long term solution at his position. With that being said, Baptist does a fantastic job of getting his hands dirty and making sure everything is set for the offense to shine. Scouts all agree that he seems to enjoy setting others up for success. Count on Baptist to fortify the center position for the team that drafts him until a better option comes along in free agency.
31. Jonah, QB, Tarshish College
Unlikely to last beyond the first round, teams looking for help at quarterback should swallow up Jonah before he’s gone. Jonah is a bit of an oddity at the quarterback position. He is a scramble first quarterback, not because he is particularly fast, but because he fears taking a risk by throwing the ball downfield. The biggest knock on him is that he gets easily overwhelmed. He will slide into the backup role and thrive as a player who can step in when called upon, as long as you don’t ask him to do too much.
32. Jehoshaphat, S, University of Israel at Judah
A complete safety, scouts rave about Jehoshaphat’s skillset, his intelligence, and most notably—his patience. The game film on Jeho reveals a defensive ace who seemingly waits until the last minute before breaking on the ball and making a play. There is no panic in his game. His future team will get a mature leader who will make everyone around him better.
Am I missing anyone? Who makes your list that I left out? Let me know and if I agree, I’ll fire my scouts and sign you for nexts year’s draft!
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